Today Lily smiled intentionally for the first time!!!  She's had quite a few sleepy smiles and a few moments where her face smiled but it was obviously just relfexive muscles.  Today was different.  She smiled and giggled at Mommy while I was talking to her.  Toothless grins are my absolute favorite too.  Her whole face lit up when she smiled and realized my positive reaction to her smiling.  I'm going to work on getting a good smiley picture tomorrow to show off.  We're also going to work on a few pictures of Lily posed next to her scrapbook that I put her full name on.  It doesn't sound very fun but I promise the pictures will be cute. 

Also on the board for Mommy tomorrow is the beginning of a job search.  Thought about going back to my previous job but I just can't risk being promised things I'll never actually get as far as a schedule goes.  I'm going to look for a full time, day time position somewhere.  There are a few places around town hiring waitresses so I'll be trying my luck there first.  Once a job is acquired I'll be able to start saving to get school paid off, buy a car, and prepare to move.  Lots to think about and lots to prepare for mentally, physically and financially too.  I know I said before that I decided to move back to Warrensburg but I don't think I'm completely sold on that idea.  Warrensburg is somewhere that's easy for me to get complacent and not move forward.  I know it's different now that I have Lily, she's my entire reason for everything I'm going to do and accomplish in the future but I don't want to set myself up for failure.  I miss everything about home, except the drama that surrounds being in your hometown.  And of course the drama surrounding Lily's dad and his girlfriend.  I really don't want to be anywhere near that nonsense.  I want to be closer so that Lily can develop a strong relationship with her dad but I don't want to be anywhere near his issues with his girlfriend. 

Like I said, so much to think about and prepare for.  I've got plenty of time to do it though.  For now concentrate on the small feats.  Getting some good pictures tomorrow and picking up a few apps to turn in next week.  Gotta get the steady job before I can worry about anything else.

We had an absolutely fantastic weekend.  Left the house on Wednesday afternoon and didn't return until Sunday morning.  The extended visit was filled with lots of fun and plenty of new faces for Lily to see. 

Wednesday we spent the night with Lily's Great Grandma and Great Grandfather Brandt.  Granny sure does love all the babies and she took great pleasure in being able to feed Lily now that she's supplementing with formula.  Grandfather got to talk to her and spend some time with her too.  It was good to see my grandparents and felt good to just enjoy their company and conversation. 

Thursday morning we got up, had breakfast with the grandparents, sat and talked with Granny for a few hours after Grandfather went to work and then we headed into Warrensburg after lunch.  We went to Uncle Zack and Aunt Kierra's house on Thursday and the kiddos were there too.  There were so many babies running around their apartment I thought I was going to lose my head but it was tons of fun too. 

Friday morning I got to show Libby and Bubba how to make Grandpa's pancakes from scratch.  They loved helping and did a great job taking turns too.  Zack didn't have to work until 5 on Friday so we hung out there most of the day.  I got to go see Amanda and Katie Sue for a little while and we came home with a bunch of fun hats that I will be getting pictures of on Lily's head.  After the day with Zack and a few friends we went to my sister's new apartment and stayed the night with her.  She and her boyfriend made us dinner and it was delicious.  Aunt Chris finally came around and wanted to hold Lily since she's grown a bit and isn't as tiny as the last time we visited.  Raven got to sleep with Grandma on an air mattress and Lily and I slept in her bed.  Spent a couple hours braiding all of Raven's hair to create a krimped look for her upcoming day at the fair with Grandma and Grandpa.  She loved it. 

Saturday was a lot of fun for me too.  Lily and I got to spend the day with Kierra and Sebastian.  We got to do the whole baby talk stuff and complain together about the same things.  It was quite a bonding moment if I don't say so myself. :)  Saturday night we went out to Aunt Annie and Uncle Marc's house after the day at the fair.  We got to hear some live guitar played by one of their friends, Bob.  It was a great way to end the weekend and made me miss the true relaxation that comes with being in the country.

Throughout the entire weekend that we were in Warrensburg DeMarcus did spend some time with Lily every day.  He may not have spent very much time in between work and whatever else he does but he did make an effort to see her after we were already in town.  Every day I offered to let him change diapers, make bottles, feed her, burp her, and even give her a bath.  He refused most of them.  He did feed her and after watching me burp her he did that too.  Finally on the last day I told him he didn't have an option of making her bottle and changing her diaper so he asked for my help and guidance and finally did so.  It was a long process but I was glad he was willing to learn.  Every time we have to interact I worry more about how this whole co parenting thing is going to play out.  He's threatened with going to court a couple of times but personally I think they're empty threats and he'd never follow through with it.  But maybe I'm wrong. 

Spending time with the kiddos and seeing my siblings made me realize just how much I really do miss Warrensburg.  I miss seeing my brother and sister and knowing about their lives.  I miss being an every day part of my niece's and nephew's lives too and I want Lily to be able to grow up surrounded by her cousins and other family.  So I've decided that my end goal is to get back to Warrensburg.  I know I have a lot to do and prepare for before that is possible but I have a goal and I fully intend to achieve it. 

Didn't get many pictures this weekend because I was too busy enjoying my family and some time to relax.  Here are a few of the ones I did get. 

Today is the fifth.  Lily is a whole month old today and I just can't believe it.  How could an entire month have flown by that quickly?  Why couldn't time fly that quickly when I was pregnant?  In the last month she's had plenty of milestones met.  She's rolled over, started to coo and make verbal sounds, learned to recognize Mommy visually and by the sound of my voice and so much more.  She's gained some weight and an inch of height too.  Today at the WIC office she was weighed and measured... Up to 7 pounds 13 ounces and a whole 20.5 inches.  That's more than a pound gained since birth and exactly one inch. 

Our latest adventure started last night when she was given a bottle of breast milk for the first time.  During this 4 week growth spurt she's been eating nonstop and especially yesterday she hate for 5 hours constantly and I began to worry that she wasn't getting enough milk, or that my milk supply was not enough to satisfy her.  After going into WIC today to talk to the nurse about her weight gain, feeding habits, and fussyness we decided that she needs to be supplemented with some formula.  Not a lot, but in order to ensure she's getting enough to eat without killing Mommy by eating 24/7 nonstop.  So far she's still taking to breast feeding after having the bottle with breast milk and she had 2 ounces of formula in between her last feeding and now when she acted like she still wasn't satisfied after 40 minutes of feeding.  So, in the next hour she should be waking up to eat again and we'll see if she still takes to the breast of if she's going to refuse.  I hope that she will continue to breast feed while being supplemented with formula too.  I know that breast milk has tons of great stuff for her and is made especially for her so I want to continue to breast feed as long as possible while still making sure she is properly nourished with the supplement of formula.  We will see what happens over the next couple of days.  I'm prepared for the possibility of her refusing the breast and only wanting to eat formula so we may have to switch but I'm hoping not. 

After a couple of weeks with the breast pump I've encountered numerous problems.  I have anxiety issues to begin with and I just can't mentally relax enough to allow a steady flow of milk production during pumping sessions.  I've tried dimming the lights, soft music, hand expression, manual pumps, electric pumps, pumping on one side while she's feeding on the other and I've not been able to pump more than 1.5 ounces out of both breasts combined.  I am going to continue to pump as much as I can, but I don't suspect I'll be able to create a big enough stockpile to last very long once I go back to work.  I've begun to prepare myself for the day we have to switch to solely formula feeding.  I'm not exactly sure why it's having such an emotional effect on me but it is.  Makes me feel like I've failed her in some way because my body can't create the food she needs.  Consciously I know that's not true and that I can't help my inability to create enough milk supply but I can't seem to shake this feeling of failure.  I have and will continue to tell myself she's done great so far and got the most important part, the colustrum, the first few days of life.  She's also had an entire month so far and hopefully a few more weeks at least to get all the nutrients she can from me. 

In relation to food, kind of, her poop has been making some pretty crazy changes.  We've gone from seedy, watery, mustard to creamy paste like mustard.  After a couple days of not pooping I began to worry but she finally pooped today and it was awful.  I've changed a million babies diapers, of all different ages, in my life but I never realized just how much their poop changes with them as they grow.  I can only imagine what it's going to be like tomorrow when we see how this formula introduction affects her. 

For pictures today I must explain.  Grandma and tried to get a good picture for her baby book page entitled "One month milestones"  where I got to write all the things she's done, discovered, and experienced in her first month of life as well as glue in a picture of her today.  The thing about taking pictures of babies is that you've got to take 5 million shots before you get the perfect one.  So, today, you get to see all the shots we took along with the final result, a good picture.  Best advice I've got for baby pictures is to let a person be the prop.  Hide under a blanket or beneath/behind a backdrop to hold the baby in place.  If you angle the shot just right you'll be out of the picture and you'll be able to accomplish better poses that way too. 

The shot we kept for her baby book...

And the following are a few of the shots we had to take to get to the perfect one. :)

If you'll notice some of the pictures have my polka dotted shirt in them...  We had a blanket dropped behind her across my legs and belly.  She is sitting between my legs and leaning back against me.  She was content being right beside Mom and that made it easier to accomplish the perfect shot. :)

Upcoming news... We're going to Warrensburg this weekend.  She's going to get to meet everybody she didn't get to see the last time.  ALSO going to meet her other grandma for the first time.  I'm excited and nervous about that all at the same time. I've never met her dad's mom, I've only talked to her on the phone throughout my pregnancy.  As far as I know she'll be getting to meet her grandma, great aunt, great grandma, and her aunt on Saturday!  I'm so very glad that I have the ability to be in contact with and have the support of the other half of her family even without the involvement of her dad.  It's incredibly important to know each and every bit of family she has so that she has some idea of where she comes from and who she is in that sense.  I hope that she appreciates it someday too. 

Lots of fun this week so far.  Lily got to see her Great Grandma Waters, Great Aunt Deb, and second cousin Tori.  Tori brought her an adorable outfit too, which I will be posting pictures of tomorrow by Grandma's request even though its still too big. :) 

Went to Lifeline today and got Lily weighed.... She has gained some weight and is now 7 pounds 5 ounces.  That's a huge plus, as I was worried about her weight gain for just a minute.  She is developing wonderfully.  She can hold her head up for a few seconds at a time, with little control and can move from side to side. She responds to visuals and sounds by turning her head towards or away from them.  Breast feeding is still going great.  I'm beginning to really worry about continuing to breastfeed after I go to work though.  I have issues with the pump.  No matter how hard I try to relax, I'm just uncomfortable with the pump altogether and therefore cannot release milk to be pumped.  Also, after I go back to work if I'm not regularly pumping while I'm at work, like every 2 hours, my milk supply will dry up so I'm afraid that she'll have to be switched to formula far sooner than I wanted her to be.  I have to get back to work and get saving to get school paid off, buy a car, and prepare to get outta Mom and Dad's house too and I can't very well rely on the "maybes" of child support from her dad to cover the cost of diapers, wipes, and any and every other possible baby supply necessary, including formula. 

Biggest news of the week above all else.... Lily rolled over from her belly to her back today. 3 TIMES IN A ROW!!!!!!!!  It's already begun to make me sad and happy all at the same time to know that she's, in the most simple ways, growing up.  On one hand I'm so very excited to see her grow and learn and develop in every way but on the other I wish she'd just stay an infant forever so that I can snuggle her every possible moment. 

Possible good news for Mommy too.  I may have a full time position working the during the afternoons back at Casey's.  No overnights for me this time.  Yuck.  And I may be able to apply for the 2nd Asst. Manager position for the afternoon shift also.  Steady hours, paycheck, and benefits would be incredible to have.  That would make my upcoming months of preparation to be a single Mommy without the help of Grandma and Grandpa so much easier.  They're not in any hurry to get rid of me, but I know I have to get out and stand on my own two feet too. I have to be a strong example for my baby girl to learn from.

Pictures today include the visit from this week and a couple of belly time pictures I took today.  :)